Confessions of a Procrastinator – Tomorrow Never Dies.

There are many types of addictions in this world. Addiction to alcohol, to sex, to cigarettes, to drugs, to gambling – all the conventional plagues that have ruined the lives of many [I am not too sure about the sex part though]. Just like all the other addictions, they all exhibit a common characteristic: a downward spiral effect. In most layman terms, it’s easy to get in but the exit door is seldom there when you need it. It’s not about aptitude – it’s just that these addictions are very often oblivious to the consumer and if they are, pride always step in the way – making denial a convenient saviour. But the honest truth is when we are engaged in such activities: it just feels bloody good.

I have a confession to make. I too have an addiction – an addiction to borrowed time [procrastination]. Considering that my parents are at the complete end of the spectrum, it’s ironic that I have displayed such an addiction since a young age, much to their chagrin. They often call me: Mr Wait. They nagged me on the simple harmless things…washing the dishes, tidying my room, clearing the mess on my study table etc. But as the saying goes, old habits die hard. I carried this ingrained habit to school – homework will only be done the night before the due date, perfected the art of pulling close to an all-nighter for an exam the next morning, finishing my US Universities applications only hours before the post marked date…

Why would I put up with that lifestyle?

Do you remember the roller coaster ride?

To that question I can only say this: Do you remember the adrenalin rush that you feel when you are sitting in a roller coaster as it makes its way to the top? It ascends so slowly to the inevitable plunge that your heart just beats faster and faster every second. When the roller coaster takes its awaited plunge, you can’t control it but to scream your lungs off – releasing every bit of accumulated tension that has built up a priori. And when it’s all over, you just feel: DAMMIT! I wanna be up there again! You keep going back for more.

That’s what I feel every time I live on borrowed time, literally. As the workload piles up, my heart beats faster and faster knowing that sooner or later I would have to face my demons. Oh, you have no idea how good the feeling of invincibility as I walk pass my peers who are struggling to finish their work while I elicit a sense of detachment. “Oh for you sure got no problem wan lah!” remarked a friend. Comments like these inflate a dangerous ego. I won’t lie that it made me feel GOOD about myself – that I can do something that most of my peers can’t/fear – finishing a work in record time and more often beating them to it when it came to the final grades. I felt I could be the hare who took a nap during a race and wake up just in time to still kick the tortoise in the ass. Who says slow and steady wins the race? Pfftttt….

[Work debt during Internship] Crossing out work debt…is THRILLING.

That was the slow ascend to the top….now comes the plunge: the adrenalin that rushes through my whole physiological existence as I slowly cross out all the work I owe. It is as though I am in a never ending street race; a constant rush of adrenalin till the finishing line. I often quip to my friends: “Did you know that none (with the exception of Upenn) of my university applications were submitted from Malaysia? NONE.” I rushed both my UIUC and UChic’s electronic application in Bangkok during the World Universities Debating Championship and submitted them 3 minutes before the deadline; the same goes for UWM, Penn State, Purdue and Umich’s electronic application in Singapore when I was there for a conference – 6 minutes before the deadline. I did it all for that ONE sigh of relief when it was all over. Such addictive exhilarating sigh….

The truth is I was lucky. Never once was I ever severely punished for procrastination. I did very well in school, got to the universities I wanted, and often produced work that are sometimes better than the ones from those who have slogged for days and weeks before hand. This is the part when the roller coaster ride is over; the feeling of bingeing on borrowed time just resurfaced again. And it goes on re-loop…all the time.

Then university life came…

If you just stop and look around during aftermath of a roller coaster ride, you will notice that not everybody enjoyed the ride. There are bound to be a few individuals who just look like they went through the black hole. And there is a voice at the back of your head that tells you….this could one day be you. And that was me during my university life. The fact is I could no longer procrastinate as I used to. Let’s just cut the crap, there is no way that I could cram the entire 4 chapters of advance undergraduate economics work with horrible applied math in just 2 nights; or pull all nighters to finish probability…..but yet I did it. My grades didn’t suffer mind you, I scored A+ for both classes and even top my class for probability. But there was something different. There wasn’t any sigh of relief. There wasn’t the familiar rush of addiction anymore; the yearning to just ride the roller coaster again. Instead, I felt as though I just been through the black hole.

I felt like shit.

No more denials. No more hiding. No more pretending.

What do you do when you know the way in which you have led your life for the past 20 years in now unsustainable? I guess the answer is obvious: you change. I have to steer this Titanic before it hits the iceberg. So this is my first step in changing: coming clean with the weakness that I have. No more denials. No more hiding. No more pretending. If I don’t write this, I don’t think I will ever change.

Tomorrow Never Dies??

The days are easier when my parents can just beat the crap out of me and boss me around. I just have to follow what they say. But it’s different when one is all grown up now; where there’s no one policing one’s life and where one is ultimately accountable to his or her own conduct. As I go through this transition, I am sometimes afraid that I will succumb to my old ways. After all, isn’t the saying true?

That Tomorrow Never Dies.

Last 5 posts by Jian Wei

• One Minute to Midnight - January 1st, 2011
• Prophecy - December 31st, 2010
• Footprints We Leave Behind - November 4th, 2010
• Budapest: Contradictions Aplenty - August 15th, 2010
• Istanbul Day 3: Masters of Our Universe - August 11th, 2010

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