What Am I Thinking (4)? – Forgiving Myself

I sometimes wonder whether I think too much; whether I see things that aren’t there or missing crucial signs that are just right in front of me. Today’s finals succeeded in reducing me to rumbles: Economics of Waste (Economics 395) is the jewel in my academic treasure trove. I adore the professor and the subject itself; I studied hard for it; aced my quizzes and everything else in between.

The Lovely Ladies =)

And I think I bombed my finals. Nah, it’s not the “I’m sure you will do well, don’t worry” kind of feeling. It’s the feeling you get when you just KNOW that you left cracks unattended and just wishing you could do more. And it doesn’t help when you knew you have done the best you can. After the exam, I timidly crept back into my room recalling the events that lead to that pivotal moment; searching hard for something to blame; more precisely: searching for reasons to blame myself.

The "Family" NYEHEHEHE!

And there’s nothing. Nothing sucks more than to know your best isn’t enough. No amount of extra studying is gonna change anything. My performance during the span of that 90 minutes has nothing to do with what I studied or what I know of this subject. I panicked. I over complicate things when things are simply black and white. I chased ghosts. Would any amount of extra studying prevent that? Nah…..

It is in those few torturous moments when I got a rare glimpse straight into the heart of this joyous month of Hari Raya; straight through the superficial mosaics of friends, food, merriments and right into the honest revelations of ‘Maaf Zahir & Batin.’ It is those few unspoken words that linger through the halls of each Hari Raya celebration, probably one of the reasons why we have to choose celebrate it every year.

This one.......*no comment*

Through ‘Maaf Zahir & Batin,’ we celebrate being mortal, accepting that whether we are god believers or otherwise, there are things that are beyond our control.  And because there are things that are beyond our control, we are bound to fall short at some junctions in time. Because we fall short, we might hurt others or most importantly, we might hurt ourselves. Through ‘Maaf Zahir Batin,’ we celebrate life’s imperfections….we celebrate OUR imperfections; we do that by forgiving – By forgiving the misgivings that others have done upon us and asking for forgiveness for the transgressions that we have inflicted upon others.

But in this year’s Hari Raya, I learnt the essential ingredient that makes the whole equation work. That through ‘Maaf Zahir Batin,’ one has to first learn to celebrate his or her own imperfections before the favour can be acted upon others. Before I can start forgiving others or before I can muster the guts to look someone in the eyes to sincerely ask for forgiveness, I have to learn to forgive myself. This means learning not to be too hard on myself; knowing that there is always a bigger picture to every crap; and understanding how to put things into their honest perspectives.

I should forgive myself.

So screw the results of my exams, my GPA etc. They will take care of themselves, as long I enjoy what I am learning and knowing deep down inside that I have it given my all.

I can’t wait for next year’s Hari Raya. I wonder what I’ll discover next?

Meanwhile, I should start forgiving myself. =)

Selamat Hari Raya! Maaf Zahir dan Batin!

***

PS: Thanks to Fareza and Hamidah for the open house. =)

Last 5 posts by Jian Wei

• Budapest: Contradictions Aplenty - August 15th, 2010
• Istanbul Day 3: Masters of Our Universe - August 11th, 2010
• Istanbul: At Night - August 10th, 2010
• Istanbul: Putting a Face to the Past - August 9th, 2010
• It Was All Worth It - July 14th 2010 - July 14th, 2010

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